Abyss...

It was so dark... The air around me was stale and still. I could not see a thing... neither could I feel anything... I fell in so deep and hard. The fall to the bottom of the abyss took somewhat like eternity. When I was falling, I tried hard and many times to grab hold of protruding edges on the walls of the abyss... The razor sharp edges cut deep... real deep.... I could never have a firm hold. The scratch marks and blood trail painted the walls like a facade. Now I have reached the cold and dark bottom. Not a single beam of light could reach the bottom. But I did. I could no longer see the facade I painted with my bare hands and the life from within me, the only reminder being the scars and pain that remained. Numb was the only feeling I could describe hitting the bottom. Numb to my hands, my arms, my legs, my body... but not my heart where the pain resides... It was excruciating but it was the only feeling I have left within me. It was the only way I knew I was still alive.

Fed by darkness, I grew to resent everything outside of my abyss. This darkness belong solely to me. This darkness gave me strength. The strength to be alone... As I was getting used to my resolve in the abyss, I heard a calling... a calling from above me. Though soft, I could sense it... Knowing not what it was, I stood up. Putting one hand on the edges protruding from the wall, I pulled and reached for the next edge. Slowly, I climbed one step at a time. As blood flow and old scars reopen, I continued on...

The air was getting fresher with a scent of life. I could feel a faint glow over me from the moon shine. I could almost reach the opening of the abyss. Just one last reach... one last reach... I could never make that last move. I could only have a whiff of what life above was to be... The darkness from beneath grew and reached out to me... pulling me back...

I knew where I belong now... I knew no matter how hard I try and persevere, I belong here... in the abyss... The dark was my solace... The pain, My life...

Maybe one day, a rope long enough enough to reach the heavens will be thrown down this abyss... My abyss...

The Journey Home

As the guys boarded the bus, they knew they left something behind... Each step onto the bus seems to carry the weight of the heavy load of their expectations and and also disappointments. Its a burden. They know. Yet, the burden they carry has woven deeply into their souls... their minds... their hearts... It could never be easily cast aside.

The bus was almost empty with only a handful of passengers. But, at the same time, it was full. Not with life, but with sadness, regrets, relief, lost and maybe just a tiny bit of happiness... This mixed pot of different feelings was overwhelming at the back of the bus where we sat. As the bus proceeded into darkness, the feelings that can't be seen, could be felt so strongly. I turned my head and look at the forlorn looks on the guys' faces... Eyes that pierced through the dark told tales that cry of sadness. I decided to leave them deep in their own thoughts. Hope they find their direction in the dark of the night. Hope they realise that in the night, they shouldn't look for and hope the sun clears the darkness. They would have wasted their time and efforts, as the sun will never be there at night and they would have looked and faced the wrong direction. Turn around, see the light that resonates from the glow of the moon. The moon will be there if you look in the right direction. Let the stars guide your way. Walk the path you should.

As the bus proceeded, I drifted off into my own darkness in my mind. I may hold many advices but I found myself tangled in my own web of feelings and thoughts. I'm lost too. I searched deeply within myself. Finding my own advices, my own questions, my own way... ... What's important ? What should I do ? Do I sacrifice ? Do I gain ? Do I lose ? Do I give up ? As the questions pile, I find my own burden increasing and as it's roots cinched deeper into my heart... my mind... my soul... I know I can't turn back. I have to carry the burden. I have to carry whatever extra load and sacrifices I made for it. I just have to be stronger and carry on down the path I have chosen. Guided by the moonlight and the stars.

I never know if the decisions I make are right or wrong. Black or white. As I am a person of the grey zone. All I ever hope for when I make my decisions is that they are the best for others.
A person of the grey zone. Complicated. Thats another story... ...